Happiness?

Happiness:
The state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.

In our current era; the technological age, it is getting increasingly harder to be happy. I'm not talking about smiling and laughing and all those surface emotions. To be truly happy, lies within the heart.

Stress level is high, expectations have become improbable, people are getting mysterious, obstacles are too many too great, time is always too short etc etc. Most of the time, we are busy with things in life. We are always busy with work, busy with school, busy with tests, busy with projects, busy with materials of the world. But we never seem to have time to rest. We have been so caught up with all these things of life, that we forgot about the internal side of us. We lose our true selves in this mass flurry of expectations and competition.

Ask yourself this. When was the last time you felt truly happy; that warm fuzzy feeling inside your heart; that indescribable feeling. Maybe some of us felt it recently, well then good for you :). But some of us have not experienced this for a very long time. And this is actually a very sad thing. I've seen many people lose sleep because they had to rush to complete homework and projects. And they get irritated easily because of the lack of sleep. And the thing is, you hardly see these people smile. Its sad to see this. It feels as if the people around me are slowly forgetting how to be happy again. The mood is always gloomy and all they ever think about and stress about are their studies and results and work and all that. It is unhealthy. It is bad. And the worst of all is that these people are also affecting the people around. Very soon our world will be devoid of happiness, and no i dont want to live in a gloomy world.

Sometimes we have to take a break. A break from all these worldly things. We must becareful not to lose our true selves while we are chasing our own goals and dreams. Do not fall too deep, or else it will be harder to get back out.

Quote.

“Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

-Steve Jobs.-

Live life. :)

Life is crazy, 
and totally unpredictable...
It's going to push you over,
kick you while you're down
and hit you when you try to get back up.

Not everything can beat you.
Things are going to change you.
But you get to choose which ones you let change you.
Listen to your heart,
Follow your dreams,
And let no one tell you what you're capable of.

Push the limits,
Bend the rules,
And enjoy every minute of it.
Laugh at everything,
Live for as long as you can.
Love all,
But trust none.
Believe in yourself,
And never lose faith in others
Settle for nothing but only the best,
And give 110% in everything you do.

Take risks,
Live on the edge,
Yet stay safe,
And cherish every moment of it.
Life is a gift,
Appreciate all the rewards,
And jump on every opportunity.
Not everyone's going to love you
But who needs them anyways.

Challenge everything,
And fight for what you believe.
Back down to nothing,
But give in to the little things in life,
After all, that is what makes you.
Forget the unnecessary, 
But remember everything,
Bring it with you everywhere you go.

Learn something new,
And appreciate criticism.
Hate nothing,
But dislike what you want.
Never forget where you came from,
And always remember where you are going.

Live life to its fullest,
And have a reason for everything,
Even if it's totally insane.
Find your purpose in life,
and live it!

A failure.

I am a failure. Failure in life, failure in everything. Most of you, infact all of you, dont know me and my deep and dark thoughts. Most of you dont know what goes on in my mind. Many of you will probably have the impression of me as a happy-go-lucky, cheerful and lame guy. But i guess looks can be deceiving.

Yes i am a guy. (Durh.) And theoretically speaking, guys should be more manly, more muscular, more of like what guys basically are. Well, i am somewhat the opposite. Yeah dont judge please. I know i am a weakling. Let me list it all down.

Firstly, guys are supposed to be very fit and all, stamina and strength-wise. I mean, most people would picture guys running around the track at a very fast pace with ease. But for me, my stamina sucks shit. And i'm not even lying. I can't even run two full rounds around the track. Again, please dont judge. If you want to judge, go away please T^T But yeah. I have no freaking stamina. I feel so inferior to all the other guys because i am always the last. I am such a failure.

Guys are supposedly manly and...rough i guess. Idontknow how to put it. But yeah, most guys will start looking for chiobus in other schools when given the chance. Search For Chio Bu Operation, SFCBO in short. I mean, yeah it is normal for guys to notice chio girls and all. But i guess that makes me an exception. I tend to look for guys and admire them (their dancing skills and stuff). And NO i am not freaking gay lol, i have a girl alrd :P but the point is, most guys think i'm weird. Because...i dont fit it well with them. Maybe because i am less of a guy. Idk. Maybe thats why i feel lonely even when there are people around. Maybe thats why i cant really bond well with my batch guys dancers. I mean, i just dont fit it. They are a bunch of cool dudes with high sense of humor and wit. Unlike me. I guess i am just a failure.

This happened in cca yesterday. During the all-guys dance pract. We learnt how to forward roll as basics, then we learnt how to do a dive roll (jump from a high place and land with a roll). It's like, all of us guys all start from the basics. But in the end, everyone manages to progress. Everyone except me. What makes me so different from them? I mean. I just dont get it. It made me so freaking frustrated. I personally saw my dance friends and juniors learning and improving and progressing. I was just stuck. I couldnt progress. I just couldnt. Probably because my freakishly long arms impeded my progress. But whatever, i felt lile a complete failure.

There are so many things that are seriously making me so dam frustrated. And all these things led to me feeling like a failure. Trust me, it isnt a nice feeling at all.

I hate it when sometimes, my best just isn't good enough.

The guy with the mask.

I smile, I laugh, I joke around
but my feelings no one has ever found
they see me everyday with a smile on my face
but when I get back to this place
I feel as if it's my own hell
as if I'm locked in a cell
the tears run down my face
I sit in my room quiet and wondering
if anyone sees the pain I feel
and how it's oh so real
another day comes as I put on my mask and hide
no one sees the pain I feel inside
I laugh and I smile
but inside I'm sad
I wish someone could see
I get back to this place I call hell
where it all began and where I fell
I take off my mask but I'm still all alone
and it kills me that no one will ever know
I wish I could be the guy that people think they really see.

I’m the guy, who hides behind a smile everyday.
I’m the guy, who has a tough exterior.But that’s not who I really am.
I’m the guy, who has a lot of problems, but doesn’t share one thing.
I’m the guy, who keeps everything bottled up.
Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. 
Someone to care about me.
Someone to listen to my problems.
Someone to hold me when I'm sad.
Someone to love me.
Nobody knows the real me.
Nobody knows what I go through everyday.
Nobody knows what I have to do just to make it through the day.
Nobody knows that I’m the guy who isn’t who I say I am.
And I’m the guy who is just invisible.

No one.

No one will ever understand the pain that i am going through. All these emotions. All these dark thoughts. All the tears i've cried every night. Yeah guys cry too, because they have feelings. Or maybe its just cause i am weak.

I've never felt so alone in my life before. Who can ever understand how i feel rn? Who can ever understand the pain? It's killing me, literally. And everyday i'm just struggling to survive, struggling to stay afloat. Fuck. Why doesn't anyone spare a thought for me?! Why? I'm just so fucking insignificant. I am invisible. Yeah. If i disappeared, no one would care. I mean. Who actually notices the little things i do? I sacrificed so much. Yet no one is willing to do the same back. What the fuck am i even doing. Why do i even care so much.

No one can understand how i feel. Everything is in a mess. LIFE. WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME. ISNT ALL THESE ENOUGH?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?? Why. Tell me why. Thanks to you, i am broken. I am lost. I am dead.

I am sick and tired of life. I am fed-up. Enough is enough. Why dont you just fucking take my life then, since you simply love taking away all that is mine. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of caring. No one even notices the sacrifices i've made. And no one is willing to make sacrifices for me too. As if life wasnt miserable enough, more fucktards decide to come and make things worse.

Let's evaluate things, shall we? Purpose in life: none. Direction in life: none. Flaws: everything. Goodpoints: useless anyways. No one cares. If you really do care, then you would dare to sacrifice just for me. I mean, I did. I sacrificed for everyone. I always do. Im always the one giving in, always the one silently helping, always the one sacrificing. Im tired. Im tired of all these shit. No one understands me. No one ever bothers to sacrifice. No one truly cares.

Let's not say goodbye. Instead, goodnight.

Books.

I am someone who loves reading. Books of stories with interesting plots and storyline. My favourite genre? Romance. (Don't judge.)

Idontknow. Romance seems to interest me. I find romance really intriuging. And there is this special thing about books. Once you get engrossed in it, it feels like you are being sucked into the world in the book. When i read, i feel as if i am IN the story. Its really cool and fun :) and whenever i read, time seems to stand still.

Books never cease to amaze me. I love reading. Always have, always will :) I guess its because sometimes i just want to escape reality and enter the fantasy world in books.

Books are more than just pages of words. They are life.

Disclaimer.

This is a disclaimer. This blog contains segments of emo-ness, weirdness and illogical stuff. All of which are my personal thoughts and opinions. You may agree or disagree to them, its up to you. But if you hate me or dislike what i blog about, then please kindly close this window and NOT read. If you are going to read my posts and judge me, then please go away too. This is an outlet for me to release all of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Do not judge me, because i am only human, just like all of you.

Lost.

To be honest, i seem to have lost my direction in life. I mean, nothing seems to make sense anymore, nothing seems to be worth anything anymore. I don't see a purpose in life.

Yeah i used to be happy. And i still want to be. But...it has become increasingly harder to be happy. Life has become dull, and boring, andand...dark. It's like, everywhere i go, its just feels so sian and dull. There isn't any motivation. No purpose. No direction.

I need to find my direction in life again.

A story.

Something i read. A story about a girl and a guy, and depression. Tragic and sad, yet so very true and relavant to my life:

I'm going to tell you a story. I knew this boy. His name was Dustin. We met when i was 13 and he was 14. We went to school together, we clicked on pretty much everything, he was really my best friend. I loved this boy like no other, we were together 24/7 and knew everything there was to know about one another. We spoke often of depression, both dealing with it, we shared stories of wanting to take our lives on more than one occasion. Not thinking he would do it, i shrugged it off. During the summer of 2006, i had planned on going to Texas.

The last day of school he was absent, he walked to the school to see me home. He looked into my eyes with a fear i would never forget, and he said "I need you here. Please don't go." I was selfish and said "Dude, i'll be back in a month, you'll be okay." And i walked away. A month later, i got a call that he had hung himself. His note read "No one cared enough to stay."

I literally felt my heart break. I loved him so much. More than i could ever put into words. At his funeral, there were over 200 people. He thought no one cared. I saw people shaking, crying, screaming, begging and pleading for him to come back. He thought no one cared. Everyone cared. It sucks that sometimes people have to be taken away from us in order to appreciate them, but it happens. People in those moments show how much they care. This boy wanted to die, and i understood because i did too.

Depression isn't anything that can be fixed overnight, especially by death. When you want to kill yourself, you really think no one would care, but in reality they do. I'm asking you to stay, because i care. I care about your life, your goals, your happiness, your sadness. I care that you get better because you deserve to be happy. It's a right. As do others. Death isn't a solution. Not now, not ever.

Don't ever take the people around you for granted. And never stop showing care for them. Because if you don't, it might be too late.

In my shoes.

Disclaimer: This post contains high level of emo-ness. If you do not wish to read sad stuff, or if you do not want to read a lengthy post, then i suggest you turn around and leave. But if you truly care, and you really want to know more about me, and you won't judge me, then please continue.

Who am i kidding. I am useless. I am weak. I am emotional. I am stupid. I am ugly. I am perfectly imperfect. Who would actually care about my existence. Like, honestly. I mean, from the ways things are going on in my life right now, i would say nothing is going smoothly, nothing is going right.

Everything that i do, i think for everyone else. I care about their opinions. I'm afraid they might have a misconception. I'm afraid they will think wrongly. I tend to read people's emotions and i do my best to change myself to suit everyone else. Maybe so that i can fit in. But i guess, everything has been self delusional.

Who am i kidding. I dont fit in here. I dont belong here. I am weird. I am different. And yeah. Sometimes being the guy who keeps giving, it gets tiring. And i am tired. Tired of trying to fit in. Tired of helping people. Tired of sacrificing my all for others. Tired of acting like a hero. Tired of giving in. Tired of people. Tired of living. Tired of life. And lastly, tired of being tired. Why cant people step in my shoes? Just for once. Why cant people understand how i feel. Why cant anyone just care about how i would feel. Why cant anyone just help me. Why cant they feel me. Why. No one bothers to understand me. No one bothers to ask how i would actually feel. No one bothers to care. And yeah. I feel lonely. More than ever.

It seems like no matter how much effort i put in, and how much i've tried, my best is never enough. I give up. What the fuck do you want from me? My life right now is alrd in a bad state. Tell me. What do you want from me?! Why do you have to do this to me?! Every single one of you. Life. Tell me why. They say everyone has their flaws and strengths. I am full.of flaws. My only strengths aren't even worth mentioning, since they don't do any shit anyways.

Lies. I am so sick and tired of lies. STOP FUCKING LYING TO ME. I hate lies the most. I have had enough okay. Enough is enough. Any more, and you might as well take my life. There isnt much left of it anyways. Stop making things hard for me. Give me a break from all these bullshit.

Don't bother telling me how great i am. Because i all know is that i have always been in the shadows of others. I was never meant to surpass them. I was just a figurehead. A puppet. A puppet of life. I am completely useless. Everyone would do just fine without me. Pfft. I am not needed anymore i guess. Whats the point of me being here anyways. There is none.

Everything around me is a blur. My head hurts. So much stuff has happened. My mind can't handle all these. If anyone were to really care about me, then they would think about how i would feel before doing something. They would truly care about me, and my feelings.

Everyone is guilty of this. But i guess it doesn't matter anymore. I will never be important. I will always remain as a second choice; an option, never a priority. And, to you i am just somebody to fill in the gaps. I am just somebody unimportant. I feel so manipulated. I feel so powerless. I feel so hurt. If you have no idea what hell is like, then step in my shoes. Welcome to my life.

I just wish that people would care about how i feel and care about me and understand me.

Age.

Age. Does it just mean how old we are? Or are there deeper meanings to it? Age. It tells many things, and sometimes not always the truth. In society, there are so many misconceptions as to the word "age". So many false logics and beliefs.

Maturity. Does it mean the older we are, the more mature we are? No. Not necessarily true. I know many people who are relatively older, and yet their maturity level is beneath that of someone younger. The way these people act or talk are just so immature.

Friends. Who ever said older people cannot make friends with younger people? And who ever fucking related this to pedo?! I mean. Just because i hang out with my juniors, does that really mean i'm a pedo?! Fuck that logic. Pedo refers to a HUGE age gap, not just 2 or 3 years. So for all you people who like to link this to being pedo, go fuck yourself.

Love. Love has no boundaries. Not even age. So, its normal for an older guy to be together with someone abit younger. And if a younger guy likes an older girl, why not? There isnt an age limit to love. No one ever said that, oh you have to be of blablabla age to be with blablabla. Its perfectly normal. There are many definitions of love, all different and unique in their own ways. But in all of these definitions, age is never in them.

Common sense. Most adults think that, oh we are just kids, we wont understand stuff, or we just arent mature enough. Well, go bang the wall and just die. There are so many adults in this world who have pathetically low common sense. And yet, they still think they are superior to kids. Wake up people. Welcome to the 21st century. Most kids nowadays have more common sense than many adults. So who says age can define our level of common sense?

Stop the misconception that age defines everything. Because it doesn't.